if you like me you must not know who I am
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Randomize
