Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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