The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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