why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
