Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
