You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
