I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
