Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
