Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
