Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
