I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
