time to smoke my breakfast
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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