eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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