I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
