Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
