How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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