i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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