shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
