I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
