omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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