I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
