I want to walk on stilts...naked
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
