me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
