The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
