my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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