yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
