Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
