U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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