This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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