my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
