It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
