my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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