I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
