put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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