omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I think I am morally bankrupt
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
