smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
