How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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