i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
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