Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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