So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
