Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
