i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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