Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
