she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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