During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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