there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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