I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
