Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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