I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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