I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
