Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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