it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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