at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
the room spins SO much faster in panama
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
