he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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