weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
